One out of every five children in the United States is bullied, according to a National Center for Education Statistics study of students ages 12-18. When a child is being bullied, it can be an emotional experience for both the child and parents. As a parent, it’s important to address the situation as soon as possible and get the child help. But how do you even begin to handle such a situation?
Photos courtesy of Melissa Ellwanger
Melissa Ellwanger, an economics and world history teacher at Pickerington North High School, has experience with the topic as a teacher and as a parent. After her own daughter experienced bullying in fourth grade, Ellwanger founded PNHS’s anti-bullying club.
Schools, Ellwanger says, can be a great resource for parents when their child experiences bullying, even if bullying is happening outside of class.
“Reach out to the child’s principal or counselor,” Ellwanger says. “If it’s not a kid at school, I would still reach out to the school.”
In addition to providing resources, the school will usually open up an investigation to determine whether bullying occurred and the best way to proceed, she says. The investigation will be conducted using interviews, documents and any other evidence.
At home, it’s important to listen to a child and make sure to acknowledge their experience.
When she was growing up, Ellwanger remembers that bullying was treated as a rite of passage. Parents didn’t take it as seriously and often saw it as an experience all children go through. She says that mentality has been left in the past.
“You don’t want to downplay it,” Ellwanger says. “You don’t want to try and normalize or invalidate the child’s feelings.”
The Other Side
No parent wants their child to be a bully, but it’s important that parents watch for bad behavior and teach their children the difference between appropriate and inappropriate actions. After all, it’s best to catch the behavior as early as possible.
If a parent notices a child developing poor behavior, Ellwanger recommends promptly reaching out for support via a group like Stronger Together. She also suggests contacting a therapist or school counselor.
“I’m a huge advocate for therapy,” she says.
Oftentimes, a child becomes a bully because they are dealing with an underlying issue that needs to be addressed.
“Instead of punishing the bully, we need to kind of unpack what’s going on there and give them the support they need,” Ellwanger says. “The kids who are bullying need just as much help as the kids who are being bullied.”
If a child engages in bullying, parents should address them gently and try to find out what lies at the root of the problem. Each child is unique and will require a different approach. Some may be ready to address the problem head-on while others may need a roundabout approach to the topic. Either way, the subject needs attention.
“Don’t think (bullying behavior will) get better or go away on its own,” Ellwanger says. “It has to be addressed.”
Popular media offers helpful resources for talking about bullying, she says. The documentary Bully explores five different families’ experiences with the topic. While the themes are a bit intense, the documentary can serve as a conversation starter with a child.
Ellwanger recommends the sites www.stopbullying.gov and www.pacer.org as additional resources. Remember to review the material before sharing it with a child to ensure it’s age-appropriate and suitable for the child in question.
Preventive Steps
Even if a child isn’t experiencing or engaging in bullying, it’s important to watch for references to the bullying of another child.
“If (you) know the child’s parents, (you) can approach them,” Ellwanger says. “If (you) don’t feel comfortable, (you) can contact the school, the school counselor or a club like (Stronger Together).”
No matter how the matter is approached, Ellwanger stresses the need to follow through and ensure that some action is being taken.
Teaching children the value of providing support in a bullying situation can demonstrate the proper steps to take while also showing the ways peers can help if needed.
A supportive community can be a strong deterrent against bullying, too.
Encouraging a child to get involved in extracurriculars such as sports and clubs provides the benefit of a supportive environment, a network of trusted friends and advisors, and the skills to manage their time.
“I find that kids who are connected do better,” Ellwanger says.
She also recommends Brooks Gibbs’ Squabbles, a conflict resolution approach that’s available as a card game and as school programming.
Ellwanger particularly emphasizes teaching children the importance of words.
“Three words can save a life,” she says. “Three words can also hurt someone. (We need to) teach kids that what they say to each other really matters.”
Sarah Grace Smith is an editorial assistant. Feedback welcome at feedback@cityscenemediagroup.com.
