All parents want their kids to be successful and well-rounded.
Some feel that the more activities the child participates in, the more the child has a chance to “experience what the world has to offer.” Some believe the more volunteer experiences the child has, the more he or she will learn to give back. Some say the more “support” they give to help their child excel in school, the more effective the child will be in his or her professional life.
While all these experiences, in moderation, are truly important, the immense pressure we put on today’s kids to do these things can be overwhelming. To balance it, we need to find ways to fill our children up emotionally so they feel cared about.
Filling the Child Up
Talking to your kids while emailing, texting or talking on the phone does not fill them up. Sitting at their games is important and matters to them a great deal, but does not fill them up. Reading the newspaper or watching TV and occasionally commenting on it is fun and nice, but it does not fill them up.
What fills the child up is listening and making him or her feel like the only person in the room. Be curious about what he or she says and draw the child out so you can see through the child’s eyes. Respond to what they want to talk about, even if it is not incredibly riveting adult conversation. Many parents disengage when their young children want to talk about video games, cartoons, toys, etc., but listening to what they want to tell you makes them feel cared about.
Play
In her book Windows to our Children, Dr. Violet Oaklander, one of the world’s leading child therapists, repeatedly talks about the power of play and having fun.
This is not only for young children; it is for all children, including teens. Playing around gives us a chance to be funny and explore creativity, boundaries and intensity. Playing games with the family at any age helps the child to relax and depressurize. Laughter and fun smooth out life’s rough edges.
As children grow older, parents sometimes think they don’t want to be with us, they want to be with their friends. While that’s true to some degree, children and teens need familial fun. They need goofing around to relax, take the pressure off and grow.
Self-Esteem
Self-esteem is the core of a child’s development.
It is boosted when the parents help the child discover what is truly special about him or her as a person. Self-esteem is not about what you do; it’s about who you are. Developing core beliefs about who they are is critical to a child’s success. Self-esteem keeps children from falling apart and blaming themselves when something goes wrong. It helps children choose careers that are reflective of their core strengths, and feel they matter and deserve respect.
Many parenting experts talk about this subject by looking at the warning signs of an overstressed child. Or they talk about the negative effects, which can include feelings of never being good enough, quests for perfection or enormous self-pressure.
These negative effects are serious and need to be attended to, but positive experiences such as those described above are core to the emotional success of the child. These experiences balance and create the strength to participate in reasonable success-based opportunities.
Dr. Norm Shub is a psychotherapist and clinical director of the Gestalt Institute of Central Ohio. Feedback welcome at gbishop@cityscenemediagroup.com.
