The importance of good communication largely goes without saying. After all, no one ever extols the benefits of poor communication.
But there’s more to healthy communication than just getting a point across. The point of communication is to build bridges or bonds – bridges or bonds that can sustain us in times of stress.
A construction foreman who discovers a problem with a material or blueprint doesn’t cover it up and cross his or her fingers, hoping there will be no catastrophes. He or she doesn’t wait until, a few years down the road, tenants are complaining about chipping paint or broken-down furnaces. Neither does the landlord ignore a bug problem until it becomes an infestation.
Maybe you don’t want to disrupt those around you with your current issues, but if you don’t face them head on – with your partner, child, boss, coach, nail technician, hairstylist – it will lead to more dissatisfaction and, potentially, the eventual termination of that relationship.
For all relationships that you care to maintain – and whether you care to continue the relationship is the first question to ask yourself – here are some tips for making that effort to be the one who does the right thing.
It’s Maddening Being Mad
Even the Dalai Lama has to deal with anger. There is no way out of your brain’s ability to process angry chemicals once the anger response has been elicited other than temporal distance.
“On average, it can take 20 minutes for a person who has experienced an angry state of arousal to calm, to move from functioning from the emotional area to the thinking area of the brain.”
- Gerry Vassar, president and CEO, Lakeside Educational Network
You are unable to do anything productive with regard to communication during times of anger. So phone a friend, eat some seeds or jump some rope. After some time, the clouds will break and you will regain the ability to do more than launch personal attacks and make enemies. Negotiations become possible, as you are now willing to offer something or let go of something in the conflict. Creative solutions suddenly appear in your realm of possibilities.
Painting the Pain Picture
It’s difficult to see outside the hurt you are feeling – and, of course, the person you hold responsible for it. When you’re in an argument, you always think you’re right. But so does the other person. He or she can’t see outside of the pain picture, either.
Take a step back and see instead the big picture, the connection of your pain and your counterpart’s pain. You are both perceiving threats and getting defensive, taking defensive actions that continue the pain cycle. When both of you can see the big picture and realize how you’re hurting each other, you can also see the path toward healing.
Follow the Rules
Remove distractions, repeat what you have heard for clarification, use empathy, watch your body language, use what is called “active listening” and use my personal favorite, the “I message.”
The “I message” formula: I feel _______________________ (insert emotion)
when _______________________ (insert behavior)
because _____________________ (insert consequence)
For the I message to work, you own your feeling.
You describe the behavior that you want modified without using the word “you.”
And the consequence listed should be one both parties have an investment in.
Example: “I feel frustrated when the lights are left on, because I would rather buy you Legos than pay for a high utility bill.” Compare to “You always leave the lights on!” In the second case, we are putting the other person on the defensive by saying “you,” and that person is being labeled, which also leads to a self-fulfilling prophecy.
“When we listen with the intent to understand others, rather than the intent to reply, we begin true communication and relationship-building. When others feel understood first, they feel affirmed and valued, defenses are lowered, and opportunities to speak openly and be understood come much more naturally and easily. Seeking to understand takes kindness; seeking to be understood takes courage. Effectiveness lies in balancing the two.”
- Stephen Covey, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People
Sounds lovely, but it’s not easy. In the book Stop the Fight!: An Illustrated Guide for Couples by Michelle Brody, the author writes that “conflicts in relationships can be quite complex, and there is no easy fix for situations,” but lowering the intensity can provide the opportunity to rebuild connections that have been damaged by battles.
Fights that have deep emotional wounds will probably need professional help. A great place to start is your company’s employee assistance program, if it has one. A lot of large companies have 24/7 1-800 lines that can connect employees to analysts, counselors, support groups and financial and legal advisers, as well as the opportunity to simply call and address whatever problem may be affecting the employee.
Remember this formula for (St)ress, occurring when (P)ressures are greater than the (R)esources that you have available to you.
St=P>R
Here’s another formula in the spirit of having a positive outlook. (Su)ccess is when (R)esources are greater than the (P)ressures you are experiencing.
Su=R>P
Keep in mind that, sometimes, less is more. In his 2015 book on responsibly managing life’s problems, Dr. Michael Bennett writes, “In the end, knowing that your communication abilities are limited is essential if you are to know when to shut up, leave things alone and console yourself that you are not responsible for whatever happens next.”
Ria Greiff is a master trainer for a nationwide firm based out of New York and a national speaker on topics of wellness. She has been providing wellness seminars for professionals of Fortune 500 companies for over 15 years. She is also the clinical director of her own benefits consulting firm and has completed her doctorate studies in human services, as well as degrees in counseling and psychology from University of Dayton and The Ohio State University, respectively. Feedback welcome at gbishop@cityscenemediagroup.com.
The Art of Feedback
Feedback is an important communication tool particularly in the workplace.
There is an art to giving and receiving feedback. First, let’s look at how good you are at receiving feedback by responding to this brief questionnaire.
How often are these statements true for you?
- I actively seek feedback.
- I am quiet while others give me feedback so that I can fully listen.
- I check out what my critics are saying to make sure that I understand their feedback.
- I typically thank people for their comments.
- I seldom take feedback personally.
- Even though I don’t love getting corrective feedback, I look at it as a way to learn more about myself.
- I use constructive feedback to design a plan for improvement.
- I’m comfortable when given compliments and typically don’t say something along the lines of, “Oh, it was nothing.”
The more of these apply to you, the better you are at receiving feedback.
How are you at giving feedback? Being able to deliver your messages so that they are heard is most useful – again, particularly in the workplace.
Here are some tips to be really good at it.
The “Be’s” of giving better feedback
- Be calm and reaffirming
- Be aware of your tone and pitch
- Be specific; avoid general comments
- Be in an appropriate time and place
- Be realistic
- Be timely
- Be aware of the fact that the person may not be open to feedback right now
The better we are at this communication art form, the more effective work relationships will be, and interpersonal relationships will be strengthened to create higher morale at the office.
Allison Hopkins – executive VP of human resources for Hampton Creek, the fastest-growing food company on the planet, which happens to produce vegan mayonnaise Just Mayo – says, “When delivering feedback: don’t sugarcoat it; humor can help; be factual; try to question yourself on memes or others’ emotions; check yourself on any bias you might be carrying; feedback when emotional can work, but counting to 10 always seems to be a good thing; wait for the emotion to subside.” And that’s win-win-win for everyone.
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