These days, doesn’t it seem like we are constantly bombarded with parenting tips?
There’s always a new parenting trend that claims to be the best way to raise our children or cautions us of the worst ways. Having so many instructions for good parenting can get confusing and frustrating, so here are some common myths – and facts – about parenting today.
Myth: If your kids aren’t happy, something is very wrong.
In our culture, there’s a strong emphasis on happiness. Therefore, if kids aren’t happy most of the time, parents should start to worry. However, it’s normal and healthy for kids to feel lots of highs and lows.
We are all born with a range of emotional experiences, some with more negative emotions than others. Ultimately, it is healthy for children to be able to feel the emotions, express them and deal with them.
Take birthday parties for example. Parents expect their child to be happy and excited. But while the child may be glad that there’s a party with friends and cake, he or she may also be over-stimulated, scared by loud noises or anxious about the other kids.
Note that persistent unhappiness could be problematic. It may be a sign that your child is struggling with depression. Some warning signs of depression in kids are frequent crying, low energy and disrupted sleep patterns. Others may be irritable, agitated and hostile. Suicidal gestures and ideas are also red flags.
Myth: Parents shouldn’t tell their kids no.
This seems to be a new trend. The thought process is that saying “no” to a child is too harsh and potentially damaging. However, I have found setting limits and having consequences for their behaviors teaches kids various skills and helps them to feel safe. As long as it’s not said in an aggressive or hostile tone, saying “no” doesn’t hurt.
Myth: Good parenting is about good strategies.
It’s tempting to reduce good parenting to a set of specific strategies and processes, but it doesn’t work like that. A parent’s mindset is more important than a particular parenting strategy.
As a parent, how do you interact with the world? Self-confident parents tend to raise self-confident kids. Parents who have healthy relationships tend to raise kids who have healthy relationships. Parents who believe in effort leading to positive results and perseverance after failure tend to have kids who are resilient and hopeful.
In contrast, parents who expect the worst tend to caution their children, and encourage worry and self-doubt. The best approach is for parents to discover their own parenting instincts and experiment with what works best for their unique child.
Myth: Good parents put their kids’ needs first.
Our culture and society can promote a very child-obsessed way of life. Our children may be all-consuming, and this often leads parents to ignore their own needs. It is fundamental for parents to take care of their mental, physical and emotional well-being. This not only helps parents stay healthy, but also communicates to kids that parents are in control of the family. Parents are there to protect the children from harm.
Myth: Good cop/bad cop parenting is effective.
When parents don’t put up a united front, it can be bad for the whole family. Having a distinct good cop/bad cop role is unhealthy for kids. It illustrates that Mom and Dad are not on the same page, fostering confusion. Kids like to know their parents are working together as a team to support their best interests.
Myth: Boys are rowdier than girls.
“Typical boy behavior” can manifest itself in either sex, and the same goes for “girl behavior.” How difficult you find it has much to do with your own temperament.
The key to successful parenting, whatever your child’s gender, is to figure out what makes your child tick and how to make his or her personality work with your own. It is also important to recognize that behaviors you find challenging may have positive qualities.
Myth: Parents should have flexibility with bedtimes.
It is important for children to have structured sleep patterns for overall positive mental, physical and emotional health. Children ages 6-13 need nine to 11 hours of sleep per night.
At the same time, there is an increasing demand on their time from school. This could come in the form of homework, sports and/or other extracurricular and social activities. In addition, school-aged children become more interested in TV, electronics, social media and the Internet, as well as caffeine products. All of these can lead to difficulty falling asleep, nightmares and disruptions to their patterns. In particular, watching TV or playing on the computer or cell phone close to bedtime has been associated with bedtime resistance, difficulty falling asleep, sleep anxiety and sleeping fewer hours.
Sleep problems and disorders are prevalent at this age. Poor or inadequate sleep can lead to mood swings, behavioral problems such as ADHD and cognitive problems that impact ability to learn in school.
Sleep Tips for School-aged Children
- Talk to your school-aged children about healthy sleep habits.
- Continue to emphasize the need for a regular and consistent sleep schedule or bedtime routine.
- Make your child’s bedroom conducive to sleep – dark, cool and quiet.
- Keep TV, cell phone and other electronics out of the bedroom.
- Avoid caffeine.
Myth: Spanking your child means you can’t control your kids.
Although I am opposed to spanking, it does not mean you aren’t in control. Discipline is a family decision, and there is research to help you to determine the best solution is for your family.
Appropriate spanking is to be done in a reasonable and moderate way to correct the child. It can cause no more than temporary pain and leave temporary marks, and it cannot meet the legal definition of physical abuse.
The Pros
- Appropriate spanking can be effective on a short-term basis in getting children to change the negative behaviors that prompted the spanking.
- Spanking has been shown to be most effective in 2- to 6-year-olds when used in conjunction with milder disciplinary methods, such as reasoning and time-outs.
- In a study, mothers who combined reasoning with negative consequences such as spanking had the most success in changing negative behaviors.
The Cons
- Long-term consequences of spanking can include increased aggressiveness, antisocial behavior and delinquency.
- Weaker associations for spanking such as a failure to learn right from wrong, subsequent criminal behavior, mental illness and child or spouse abuse as adults have also been suggested.
- Physical punishment can send mixed messages to a child and reinforce aggressive behavior. When parents model aggressive behaviors by spanking, they reinforce the idea that physical aggression is the way to get what you want.
- Spanking is associated with a poorer relationship between the parent and child. Children who were spanked feel less attached to their parents and less trusting of them. The more the child was spanked, the less close the parent/child relationship could tend to be.
Jennifer Piede is a licensed mental health counselor practicing in New Albany. Feedback welcome at gbishop@cityscenemediagroup.com.
