Doug Cluxton, M.A., L.P.C., is the manager of bereavement for OhioHealth’s hospice program. Cluxton has been a specialist in bereavement counseling since the late 1980s.
When we think of grief, we normally think of the mourning period. It happens directly after the loss of the loved one, when the bereaved feels overcome with a new, devastating absence.
But people are pretty resilient. They get through it, even though it can seem like the pain of that loss won’t leave.
The holiday season is here, and with the comfort of time with family also comes the resurgence of memories that can be both peaceful guests and difficult interlopers. For many families, this will be the first holiday without a dad, a sister, a grandparent or someone else close.
“Holidays are fraught with so many memories,” says Doug Cluxton, manager of bereavement for the OhioHealth hospice program. “When you’re confronted with those memories, the missing of the loved one is so much more intense.”
Family members gathering together can offer comfort, but can also be sources of stress for one another, triggering the intensity of the grief.
“Linked with memories are the traditions around holidays,” Cluxton says. “We often see that one person needs one way of coping and the other needs the diametrically opposed way of coping. Maybe the surviving spouse will say, ‘We always went to Christmas service, and now I just can’t because Dad is gone.’ But the kids push back, saying they want to continue that tradition.”
Cluxton says it’s important for family members to find latitudes to allow one another to pursue the way they want to experience their grief. Amending traditions is one positive way to get around disagreements.
In the case of the holiday service example, the family could still go to a service, but perhaps go to one earlier in the evening or attend a different church this time around.
“It’s incredibly important to give people permission to grieve in the way they want to and respect those differences,” Cluxton says.
It’s also a good idea to find creative ways to incorporate the deceased person into the festivities. Frequently, a “conspiracy of silence” falls over family gatherings, where family members quietly refuse to even speak the name of the lost loved one.
Cluxton gives one example to get past the silence: “The first Christmas after my dad died, we lit a candle by a photo of him on a table in the living room. It reminds us that we’re all thinking about him, and that he’s with us in spirit.”
Sometimes, it’s all about negotiating feelings of loneliness with the exhaustion that many feel in social situations during times of grief. Frequently, loved ones invite the bereaved person to their holiday festivities, especially if the deceased was a spouse.
The most helpful response is to accept invitations such as these, even if the response is tentative. Bereavement counselors such as Cluxton encourage people to say “yes,” but have a backup plan in case they’re emotionally unable to make it.
“If they’re a good friend, they’ll understand that,” Cluxton says.
It all circles back to the notion of the bereaved giving themselves permission to mourn the way they want to.
Avoiding “shoulds,” as Cluxton puts it, is a great way to take it easy during the normally busy season. “I should pick up more gifts for the kids because there are fewer hands around the house” doesn’t have to be a necessary duty. The best medicine for the bereaved is often to give themselves permission to eliminate some “shoulds” for their own sakes.
Regarding friends and family of the bereaved, Cluxton has a word of advice, too.
“The best thing if you want to be supportive to a bereaved person is to be deliberate,” Cluxton says. “Don’t just say, ‘Let me know if you need anything.’ Instead say, ‘I know it’s going to be rough this holiday. Let’s have lunch Tuesday. If you want to talk you can, but let’s just be together.’”
Supporting one another is essential to making it through the death of a loved one. With respect and patience, the wounds will heal.
Zach Maiorana is a contributing writer. Feedback welcome at gbishop@cityscenemediagroup.com.
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