Grief is universal, but it’s often misunderstood – even by those experiencing loss.
Despite the difficult and sustained nature of the process, it is possible to move through the experience in a healthy way.
“I think what helps them to know is that it never goes away, but you become competent with it,” says Debbie Holt, a licensed professional clinical counselor and bereavement counselor at Hospice of Dayton. “So you learn how to handle it. You learn how to gradually let go of the grief as a way to stay more connected to your loved one.”
Grief counselor Sheri Weiler of Hospice of Central Ohio says having a road map makes people more confident in the grieving process, as it brings comfort and assurance in knowing which symptoms and experiences are normal.
According to The Ohio State University Comprehensive Cancer Center – James Cancer Hospital and Solove Research Institute, common grief reactions include sleeping and eating changes, fatigue, nausea, and crying.
“A lot of people don’t understand that grief is very physical,” Holt says. “Experiencing grief in their body and disruptions in sleep and appetite … are very normal. Feeling anxious, feeling low energy, all of those things.”
Mental reactions include confusion, difficulty making decisions, forgetfulness, disbelief, replaying memories, feeling like you’re in a fog and difficulty focusing. Emotional reactions, meanwhile, include sadness, anxiety, guilt, regret, relief, longing, fear, shock, numbness, loneliness, emptiness and anger.
“There are studies … around the world (that say) the mourning rituals may be different, the way people express their grief is very different, but the essentials of how people experience the grief
internally and physically is really the same,” Weiler says.
Experiencing a Loss
Weiler says people are relieved to have the beginning of the grieving stage explained as the brain having to accept the death or loss. During that time, which is often around six to eight weeks, they may feel like they’re in a surreal dream, and it can be scary.
Around six weeks, grief hits like a tsunami, Holt says.
“I think part of the reason for that is that the three Cs – the cards, casseroles and calls – kind of stop,” she says. “People are right there in the beginning and as time goes on … all of a sudden, the griever is just left with, ‘Now this is my life, and now everybody is going back to their normal lives, but I can’t. My life will never be the same.’”
It makes a difference, says Holt and Weiler, to reach out to the grieving person long after the funeral, as they may still be struggling months later.
The second, third and fourth months are typically the hardest period of time, Holt says, while people tend to start feeling better during the fourth and fifth months. Then, first anniversaries and holidays without the loved one are difficult.
“The research shows that only 10-15 percent of people fall into the category of prolonged grief disorder, which is now the disorder that has been named in the ICD-10 and the DSM-5,” she says. “So most people do fine. I think that most people don’t realize how long it takes for a person to begin feeling normal.”
Healthy Coping
Two of the most helpful ways to move through the grieving process are to seek education and accept support from friends, family and professionals. Finding a professional to talk with, and even talking with people who have had similar losses, can be helpful, Weiler says.
“The idea is that we have a lot of control over how our grief process goes,” Holt says.
In grief counseling, Holt says, the counselor and patient brainstorm what strengths the person has to overcome their loss and work on the roadblocks to adjustment. Support groups can be healthy social outlets as well. It’s also important to take care of the physical body through the grieving process.
Grief doesn’t just follow death; it may also follow the loss of a relationship or job, changes in health, or a child moving away.
There are all types of grief depending on the situation surrounding the loss. For example, anticipatory grief is when you anticipate what it will be like to experience the loss before it happens. Collective grief, according to Talkspace, is experienced when a tragedy affects an entire
group or community, such as a natural disaster or a mass casualty.
“I think people need to know that most people get through their grief,” Holt says. “You never move on, but you move forward.”
Claire Miller is an editor at CityScene Media Group. Feedback welcome at cmiller@cityscenemediagroup.com.
