Grieving the loss of a family member or friend can be challenging, especially if they were serving in a branch of the military. Those feelings and thoughts come in many forms and on different timelines as each person processes the loss in their own way.
While the grieving process may look different for everyone, there are countless resources for both individuals and families to feel supported and help them find ways to remember those they loved.
Understanding the feelings
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Tracy Lutz-Youger, a bereavement counselor at OhioHealth, reminds those she works with that grief is a normal and natural process that looks different for everyone. Although families lose the same person, their loss can impact them all differently.
“They all have their own unique relationship to that person,” says Lutz-Youger. “They all have their unique personality, sense of humor, coping strategies, support system, so even within one family, the grief is going to impact each person differently.”
Lutz-Youger knows this on a personal level as well, having watched her family grieve over the loss of her uncle during the Vietnam War.
While military families understand the risks of service, the loss of a loved one can still be a shock. Lutz-Youger says self-preservation can lead people to believe it won’t happen to their child, sibling or parent, so when the loss happens, it is still unexpected.
The grief can be even more complex when families have been waiting for their return, only for that reunion to never come. When family members anticipate their loved one coming home and their life going back to “normal,” it adds another level to the grief.
“There’s loss of hopes and dreams and plans for that person, what their life was going to be like when they got home and what your life was going to be like with them,” says Lutz-Youger, “You’re not just mourning the person that you lost, you’re also mourning all the hopes, dreams and plans that you had.”
Coping with grief
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It’s important to understand that although grief is all-encompassing, the way it impacts daily life changes over time.
Immediately after the loss, Lutz-Youger says it is important to focus on basic needs, such as eating, sleeping, drinking water, taking any medicine and getting a little bit of movement. This helps build stamina for the spiritual, social and cognitive symptoms.
According to research from the National Institute of Health, grief can cause a variety of physical symptoms from a weakened immune system to an upset stomach to increased blood pressure. Grief not only takes a toll on emotions, but also on the body.
According to a recent study by the NIH, bereaved participants had a higher risk than nonbereaved participants of dying from any cause, including cardiovascular disease, coronary heart disease, stroke, cancer, and accidents or violence.
Sometimes, during the grieving process, all you need is comfort. Lutz-Youger has seen clients sleep with a sweatshirt, eat that person’s favorite meal or listen to their favorite song. These small acts can bring a sense of closeness and peace during such a difficult time.
“Finding ways to still feel connected to your person, even though they’re not physically here, and usually that connection happens through our senses,” Lutz-Youger. “That’s going to be comforting to feel that you still have a relationship with them even though they’re not physically here.”
Outside of the physical response, Lutz-Youger shares that some people enjoy finding ways to honor a person’s life and sacrifice.
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“What was it about this person that really stands out to each member in the family that they want to, as part of their healing, try to honor about this person,” says Lutz-Youger.
For example, if a person worked in the K9 unit, a friend could donate to a local animal shelter, or if the service member was fond of running, then the family may start a 5K in their name.
Finding your support
Many people can feel isolated in their grief which is why having support can make a huge difference.
Lutz-Youger says a lot of people notice the support fade after the first three months, which is why she emphasizes the importance of continued support.
“Being there beyond those first three months and staying engaged in offering a shoulder to cry on, or offering to listen, or offering to take a walk and just being present with them (is important),” says Lutz-Youger. “This journey is a long journey, it’s lifelong and it’s going to have a flow to it.”
Community support for families not only helps their grieving process, it also serves as a way to honor and remember the person they lost so they are not forgotten.
OhioHealth offers one on one counseling, support groups, and creative groups. America’s Gold Star Families offers programs such as grief counseling, scholarships, birthday card program, and walls of honor.
Korrigan Craddock is an editorial assistant at CityScene Media Group. Feedback welcome at feedback@cityscenemediagroup.com.
