By Colleen D’Angelo
With age comes wisdom, which is why I recently invited a few Dublin moms and grandmoms, in their 40s, 50s and 60s, to my house for a parenting discussion. We talked about how the demands on children and families have changed, saying “no,” letting kids fail and what really matters in life.
What happened to Sunday dinner?
Between kids’ activities and parents’ commitments, it’s no wonder having family dinner is harder than ever. Gathering at dinner is the perfect time to unwind, find out about everyone’s joys and hardships and plan for tomorrow. Sundays used to be sacred, but that has since changed.
“When I grew up, everything was closed on Sundays,” says Nancy Szavonos. “We all went to church as a family and then we ate at Grandma’s house. I feel badly that this generation doesn’t have those memories.”
“I have Sunday dinners at my house now,” says Peggy Buckles. “I tell my children that attendance is mandatory. But this year my 6-year-old grandson has football on Sundays, so we’ll have to see what happens.”
The lesson: family and traditions are the most important things we have. Make time for each other, pass on traditions to your children and enjoy.
It’s only a game!
Where did the pressure come from for children to start sports so young? Do we fear our child will never make a high school team or get a college scholarship? Children used to try various sports, but even that is becoming difficult. Coaches want kids available for pre-season practice, post-season conditioning or all year.
“My son and daughter were both caught up in multiple sports that required year-round participation and they have struggled with injuries because of it,” says Kristy Suttle. “Finally, the kids made the decision to stop playing travel soccer and life became simpler.”
Renee Heller adds, “We all know parents who are too competitive with their child’s activities, who scream at the umpires and get in fights with other parents. We need to behave for our children’s sake and ask, ‘Is this a good experience for my child?’”
Kay Wilhelm says, “Sports aren’t the only way to get into college. Remember that it’s just a game, and then teach life lessons through playing games.”
The lesson: your children should be your guides. Make sure they are getting more joy from the activity than stress.
“No” is a love word.
My father used to say my generation is full of permissive parents. We don’t like to be the “meany mommy.” We discuss and explain our reasons for saying “no.” Are we so afraid of appearing mean to our children that we’ve lost their respect?
“Your children should be able to hear the word ‘no’ once, understand that you mean it and not push the issue,” Kay says.
“Children want and need boundaries,” Peggy says. “They need to know where the line is drawn and that they can’t cross it. The friendship with your children comes later.”
“Even when they are teenagers,” Nancy adds. “Be home as much as possible and try to make your house the ‘hangout house.’ You will have a better idea of what is happening in their lives and be able to set clearer boundaries.”
With access to social media Web sites and texting, it is more difficult to monitor who our kids interact with. Encourage more face-to-face conversations with your children. Ask your teenager to help you cook or go for a walk. Ask a lot of questions and stay on top of things.
The lesson: it’s about respect. Be a parent first and a friend later.
It’s okay to let kids fail.
Why is it so hard for parents to let kids experience failure? Maybe we view it as our own failure to teach and lead them. Maybe we are afraid failing will damage their self-esteem. The truth is, self-esteem is the result of achievement, not the cause of it.
Have you ever assisted too much in a homework assignment? The teachers can always tell which assignments were done by the student and those done by the parent. Children cannot take pride in work they didn’t complete themselves.
This also ties into the “everyone is always a winner, so everyone gets a trophy” school of thought. My 9 year-old recently told me I could throw out her soccer and swimming trophies because they “don’t mean anything because everyone got one.” Meanwhile, the gymnastics trophies she earned by working out every week in the gym have a prized place in her room.
As parents, we should teach how to try, fail, get up off the floor, try harder and not give up. We hope our children learn from their mistakes and that their mistakes aren’t too serious. “I used to pray for little struggles for my kids and call them little miracles,” Nancy says.
“My son got a speeding ticket the first week he had his license,” Peggy adds. “The judge would not negotiate and took his license away for three months. We could have intervened, but it was more important that no one got hurt and he learned an important lesson.”
The lesson: it’s not about rescuing your kids. It’s about teaching them to rescue themselves.
Colleen D’Angelo is a contributing writer for Dublin Life.
BONUS:
Final wise words…
Peggy: Teach your children to be honest and tell the truth. It will mold them as people.
Renee: Sit back and let it go. Don’t worry about over involving yourself in every little situation.
Kristy: Don’t ever say, “My kids would never do that.”
Colleen: Encourage your children to voice fewer complaints and solve more problems.
Kay: Let go and let God. I’m in my 60s and still improving my parenting and grand-parenting skills.
Nancy: Introduce your children to God. Faith stays with you forever, soccer doesn’t.