By Colleen D’Angelo

Sending your children off to college and into the world is a scary experience. As a parent, you wonder if you have taught them everything they need to know and if they are prepared to live on their own. You’ve gone to Target 150 times and purchased everything junior might need if he gets a cold, a blister or a blemish. You may have given your child a laundry lesson, a cooking lesson and a safety lesson. Perhaps you shared stories with your children your own parents told you as they packed up the family station wagon with your new sheets, towels and tiny refrigerator and dropped you off at your dorm room.

Did your parents then attend a two-day orientation teaching them the “value of letting go?” Did they call you every morning to wake you up so you weren’t late for class? Did your parents phone your professors and give excuses as to why you didn’t complete an assignment on time or demand an explanation for your low grade? I’d be shocked if you answered “yes” to any of those questions, but these are examples of common behavior occurring with helicopter parents and their college-aged children.

The term “helicopter parent” came into vogue a few years ago, created by college administrators to describe parents who hover over their children, willing to swoop down and “fix” every situation their offspring encounter. The frightening truth is this type of hyper-parenting is a worldwide generational epidemic without socio-economic lines.

Universities all over the world are adapting by hiring “parent advocates,” forming entire liaison departments and offering parent-only orientation sessions. During some of these learning sessions, parents can see how their 18-year-old is adapting by viewing Web cams set up in the dining halls and dorms. Colleges are making concessions but are still trying to teach parents to give their children some space and let them do their own work.

Yes, some parents even write papers or take online exams for junior, and they are not apologizing for it. One theory is that college is so expensive parents feel it is too important an investment to be squandered. They can’t afford for their child to fail and are willing to “help” in any way they can.

What these well-meaning parents don’t understand is this type of parenting creates fragile, anxious children who are never allowed to experience difficulties because Mommy and Daddy jump in and mend things. The children believe they are not capable of managing or fixing situations themselves. They have no self-reliance, and therefore no true confidence. Colleges report students fear making decisions about classes, schedules and extra-curricular activities without calling home first. The boundaries between helping and hindering our children are now blurred and parents need to stop controlling and start supporting.

Technology plays an interesting role in the helicopter parenting phenomenon. The millennial generation, those born between 1980 and 1995, are the first generation to grow up surrounded by digital media. They are the most-chaperoned, play-dated generation ever and communicate daily via cell phone, text messaging and e-mail. Parents have adapted to these forms of communication to stay connected with their children, but how much is too much?

The cell phone has been labeled, “the world’s longest umbilical cord.” Teachers claim that as soon as the bell rings, students are on the phone with Mom or Dad. When something goes wrong parents know about it quickly, and the meddling begins.

Some parents do not stop interfering when college ends. Human resource departments claim parents are attending job interviews with or in place of their children, calling prospective employers to follow up, and haggling about salary, benefits and vacation days for junior’s first job. Employers are being warned to handle the interviewee and his parents delicately, with “kid gloves” like a therapist.

I asked for helpful suggestions to avoid being a helicopter parent from 20 Dublin parents who have already sent at least one child out into the world. All agree you should encourage your children’s independence through every stage of schooling and rejoice when they move on to the next phase. Here are some of their more concrete tips:

1) Increase your children’s responsibilities as they mature. Communicate your confidence in them along the way as they make tougher decisions.
2) Teach your children to do their own laundry, wash dishes, clean rooms, use a hammer and screwdriver, paint a room, order in for food, schedule appointments, manage a bank account and save/spend wisely. Warn them about credit card companies that hover around campus offering “free money” in exchange for a cool, new T-shirt.
3) Encourage your children to get part time jobs after school or during the summer. Then let them set their own alarms, work schedule and transportation needs.
4) Don’t lose sleep over preparing them to leave home. If they are in college, be glad that they are protected for four more years and have time to succeed, fail and learn.
5) It is their path to adulthood, not ours. They will get past the bumps like sharing a bedroom or failing a test.
6) Limit communication during the first semester. You want to be available to them, but at arms length. One mom said, “The more time I gave between phone calls, the more my daughter called home.”
7) Focus on your own life and your relationship with your spouse. One couple told me they were finally taking a trip to Italy. Try a new class, sport or job and be glad you don’t have to worry about your children’s hectic schedule anymore.
8) Don’t call college professors, deans or coaches. They don’t want to hear from you. The college contractual agreement is with your child, who is an adult.
9) Do send old-fashioned letters, treats or small gifts to encourage your child. My mom used to send holiday decorations and food for our dorm room such as orange and black streamers and candy for Halloween.
10) Be a wise consultant to your children instead of a micro-manager. Listen, empathize and offer support when asked, but let them come up with their own solutions. Take pride in what resourceful and productive children you have raised!

To find out if you are a helicopter parent, take the short quiz at www.collegeboard.com.

Colleen D’Angelo is a contributing writer for Dublin Life.