When we think of expert negotiators, we usually conjure up images of a tough-guy police lieutenant, showing up to a hostage situation with a bullhorn and a steely glare.
You might be surprised, then, to learn that today’s top negotiators are elementary school students – a demographic not exactly known for its fondness for steely glares.
We’ll get to that.
Negotiation Outcomes
There are many potential outcomes to any given negotiation, but they essentially boil down to these three:
Win-win. The formal definition of win-win is a situation in which both parties have all their needs met, but because such happy endings are far more common in old black-and-white movies than in real life, a much more realistic goal would be a scenario in which both parties get most of their needs met. This implies that both parties should be prepared to relinquish something when trying to make a deal so that they can meet somewhere in the middle, finding that common ground.
Agree to disagree: Parties decide that agreement is not essential to goal achievement. Disagreement does not damage the relationship.
No outcome: A solution is not reached and the disagreement continues.
Young children are able to reach this level of sophistication because of emotional intelligence. The most effective negotiation programs encompass problem-solving skills, effective communication and listening skills, critical and creative thinking skills, and other important life skills.
Emotional intelligence is the ability to identify and manage your own emotions and the emotions of others. It is generally said to include three key abilities: emotional awareness; the ability to harness emotions and apply them to tasks such as thinking and problem-solving; and the ability to manage emotions, which includes regulating one’s own emotions and cheering up or calming down others.
Benefits of Emotional Intelligence
There are more positives to a high emotional intelligence quotient – EQ, for short – than enhanced capacity for de-escalation.
- Development of empathy: As described above, those with high EQ have greater ability to determine what others are feeling.
- Development of optimism: Something of a permanent set of rose-colored glasses.
- An easier time getting along with people.
When emotional intelligence first gained prominence as a concept in 1995, it disrupted the conventional wisdom that held up IQ as the crucial determinant of success. Suddenly, there was a more quantifiable explanation for how a less conventionally intelligent person could become a star and differentiate himself or herself from the rest.
According to Talent Smart, one of the premier organizations dedicated to enhancing emotional intelligence, EQ affects how we manage behavior, navigate social complexities and make personal decisions that achieve positive results. And negotiations essentially take all the skills of someone who has high EQ and applies them to solving big issues.
This is exactly what breeds success: positive outcomes from individuals meeting together to negotiate a partnership. These may be partnerships with peers, romantic partners, co-workers, workout buddies, educators, even with oneself.
Don’t feel like your EQ is high enough? Don’t worry too much. Emotional intelligence can be developed.
Developing Emotional Intelligence
Per Talent Smart:
“The communication between your emotional and rational ‘brains’ is the physical source of emotional intelligence. The pathway for emotional intelligence starts in the brain, at the spinal cord. Your primary senses enter here and must travel to the front of your brain before you can think rationally about your experience. However, first they travel through the limbic system, the place where emotions are generated. So we have an emotional reaction to events before our rational mind is able to engage. Emotional intelligence requires effective communication between the rational and emotional centers of the brain.
“‘Plasticity’ is the term neurologists use to describe the brain’s ability to change. Your brain grows new connections as you learn new skills. The change is gradual, as your brain cells develop new connections to speed the efficiency of new skills acquired.
“Using strategies to increase your emotional intelligence allows the billions of microscopic neurons lining the road between the rational and emotional centers of your brain to branch off small ‘arms’ to reach out to the other cells. A single cell can grow 15,000 connections with its neighbors. This chain reaction of growth ensures it’s easier to kick this new behavior into action in the future. Once you train your brain by repeatedly using new emotional intelligence strategies, emotionally intelligent behaviors become habits.”
As a result of the growing evidence of the benefits of emotional intelligence, negotiations courses have been steadily increasing in popularity among many audiences, from kids to cops. Harvard University even offers three-day courses to enhance negotiations skills for a cool $2,700, boasting that its program is “appropriate for professionals at all levels who want to enhance their negotiation skills and work more productively with customers, colleagues, partners, vendors and others.”
Negotiate for Your School
Tips for bringing constructive negotiations to your child’s school
The elimination of violence does not mean the elimination of conflict.
Some conflicts can have positive outcomes. They can increase achievement, motivation to learn, higher-level reasoning, long-term retention, healthy social and cognitive development, and the fun students have in school. Conflicts can also enrich relationships, clarify personal identity, increase ego strength, promote resilience in the face of adversity and help one understand the need for personal change.
But steps must be taken to help ensure conflict has these positive outcomes, and the first step is to create a cooperative context.
In a cooperative context, conflicts tend to be resolved constructively. Students have clear perceptions of one another’s positions and motivations, communicate accurately and completely, trust one another, and define conflicts as mutual problems to be solved. A cooperator typically has a long-term time orientation and focuses his or her energies both on achieving mutual goals and on maintaining good working relationships with others.
The next step is to implement the necessary educational tools. Important efforts include:
- Teaching students how to manage conflicts constructively;
- Teaching students problem-solving and integrative negotiation procedures;
- Teaching students mediation procedures;
- Implementing a peer mediation program;
- Continuing to refine and upgrade student skills;
- Promoting professional development in negotiating; and
- Fostering a cooperative learning environment in the school.
Teaching students to be peacemakers necessitates observance of five main tenets related to conflict resolution and peer mediation:
- All students in a student body should understand conflict resolution techniques.
- All students should be able to effectively use these techniques.
- School culture should promote mediation as a conflict resolution technique.
- Peer mediators must be made available to negotiate conflict.
- Conflict resolution responsibilities should be distributed over the entire student body.
The overall program should demonstrate and define conflict, negotiation and mediation. Classes of students receive 30-45 minute training sessions several times a week.
If you’re interested in bringing this program to your child’s school, you can learn more about implementation at the National Institute of Justice’s CrimeSolutions.gov website. Training fees are low to no cost; the biggest investment is time.
Ria Greiff is a host of You Inc., an NPR show on www.wcbe.org/programs/you-inc that gives tools for wellness. She is a master trainer for a nationwide firm based out of New York and has been providing wellness seminars for professionals of Fortune 500 companies for the past 15 years. She is also the clinical director of her own benefits consulting firm and is a sought-after speaker for national conferences on soft skills. Ria is a regular contributor to CityScene Magazine and can be reached at ria@2Rogues.com for feedback or inquiries.
