Dec. 13:
To the vintage and vinyl fan:
Anything from A Gal Named Cinda Lou. The store’s shelves are stocked with vinyl records and classic clothes. Pick up posters, magazines and jewelry for the friend who likes things simpler and a little less modern. www.cindalou.org
To the one who wears your granddad's clothes (and doesn't look incredible):
Your onesie from your childhood. Hey, if your friend is trying too hard to look ironic, this may top off the look. Those footed bottoms should keep their feet warm in the winter. Let’s just hope it’s a flattering fit!
Dec. 12:
To the healthy and wholesome eater:
Hanover fruit baskets from Giant Eagle. Packed with kiwis, pears, delicious meats and cheeses and Ghirardelli chocolates, this Christmas-time pastime is a great go-to gift. Aesthetically pleasing. Sweet. Savory. What more could you ask for? www.marketdistrict.com
To the bad apple:
A handmade fruit basket from your own fridge. Going away for the holidays? Don’t leave your produce behind. Put it all in a bucket, wrap it up and keep it in your trunk for a few days. It will make for a great compost heap starter!
Dec. 10:
To the one who likes to boogy:
Lessons from Fred Astaire Dance Studio in Westerville. The studio offers lessons in a wide variety of styles – among them ballroom, Latin, hip-hop and country – and also gives wedding dance lessons, if you know anyone whose dance skills need polish before he or she heads to the altar. www.fadswesterville.com
To the one who thinks they got moves:
This topical instructional video that offers tips on performing some of the most obnoxious 1990s dance fads, starting with the worst of all, the Macarena. Was learning the Macarena really so challenging that a video was necessary? http://www.amazon.com/Hot-New-
Dec. 9:
To the wife who puts up with you all football season long:
The Holiday Jewel Box from Stam Chocolates. These delicious, bite-sized pieces are perfect for any chocolate lover. For $57.25, the beautifully-designed delicacies can light up your lovely's face for the holidays. www.stamchocolate.com
To the wife who changes the channel in the middle of the play:
A 50 pack of slap bracelets. So your significant other said she wanted jewelry for Christmas? Well, she's getting bracelets. 50 of them. Straight from the 90s. (But you should probably get her something nice as well.)
Dec. 6:
To the bacon lover:
Bacon soap. This wonderfully-scented gift from Bink Davies will surely put a smile on your pal’s face each time they wash their hands. The best part is, it only smells like bacon, so there isn’t any problematic grease clogging your pores! www.binkdavies.com
To the bacon lover who stabbed you in the back:
Smart Bacon. It tastes decent, but it’s just not the same. When your enemy is expecting a crispy, greasy, awesome bacon treat and he or she gets nothing but a mouthful of veggie, their day will be ruined. That’ll show ‘em!
Dec. 5:
To your stressed-out significant other:
A manicure, pedicure, facial, massage or herbal body wrap from Allvera Body Wrap & Wellness Center in Pickerington. Better yet, give someone a complete package of all five, plus a session of FasterEFT – a new, spiritually-focused relaxation technique – thanks to a new deal Allvera is offering. www.allveraofpickerington.com
To the insufferable Facebook "friend":
A massage from pro-wrestler-turned-MMA-fighter-turned-pro-wrestler-again Brock Lesnar. The good part is, the recipient will be meeting someone famous; the bad part is, the recipient will probably be leaving without much of his spine intact.
Dec. 4:
To your cooking companion:
The Quick-Cook Bean Pot, made by local company HnL Enterprises LLC. The stainless steel pots are designed to drastically reduce cook time and evenly cook dry beans, eliminating the need to soak them overnight. www.hnlltd.com
To the one who always chooses truth during truth or dare:
A box of BeanBoozled jelly beans, made by Jelly Belly. These why-were-they-ever-made jelly beans come in 10 colors, with each color having either a conventional flavor (peach, lime, coconut, licorice, etc.) or a disgusting flavor (moldy cheese, rotten egg, skunk spray, lawn clippings, etc.), with no hint as to which is which. Happy guessing! www.jellybelly.com
Dec. 3:
To your tanning buddy:
Norvell maintenance kits from The Airbrush Studio. Compiment your color and protect your skin with this complete package. For $30, it includes an exfoliator, a cleanser, a mist and more! www.theairbrushstudiocols.com
To the one who
didn't wake you up when you fell asleep in the sun:
A canister of Crisco. Well, it won’t make your tan stand out, but you’ll surely glisten. This baking essential is great in the kitchen, but it’s probably not so hot for your pores.
Nov. 30:
To your art partner:
A Street Called Home by Aminah Robinson, available in the Columbus Museum of Art gift shop. Not only is the book written by renowned local artist Robinson, it also features a variety of her artwork. www.columbusmuseum.org
To the one who bugs you:
Brood X: A Firsthand Account of the Great Cicada Invasion by Michael Phillip Cash. It’s basically a low-budget SyFy Original Movie in book form, with all the (utter lack of) quality that implies. http://www.amazon.com/Brood-
Nov. 29:
To your partner in marital bliss:
A Spartina artisan scarf from Bliss Accessories & Gifts in Dublin. The scarf is made of ultra-soft, lightweight Australian wool and can be a good complement to many of the other accessories sold at Bliss. www.blissaccessoriesandgifts.
To your less-than-fashionable ex:
An ugly Christmas scarf, preferably with reindeer and snowflake patterns like this one. Who says ugly Christmas sweaters should have all the fun? http://www.amazon.com/
Nov. 28:
To the one who is sweet as peach pie:
A gift card to City Barbeque, central Ohio’s premier – and top-notch – barbecue chain. If you’ve got a holiday party on your agenda, you might also consider bringing something along from City Barbeque’s “Pig Up ’N Go” take-out menu; a big pan of peach cobbler, maybe? www.citybbq.com
To the person whose window you'd like to throw a brick through, but doing so is illegal, so if you're going to do it, it may as well be festive:
The world’s largest holiday fruitcake, a 4-foot-long Nicaraguan monstrosity that smashed the world record earlier this month. In defense of the colossal cake, it was made for the benefit of children’s charities in Managua, Nicaragua, but it’s still not something anyone you know will want for Christmas. http://www.denverpost.com/ci_
Nov. 27:
To the one with the green thumb:
A jaunty chapeau from Baker’s Village Garden Center in Shawnee Hills. This gardening hot spot has more than just garden items, and its selection of hats – which includes fedoras, newsboy caps, faux fur trappers and animal-print berets – demonstrates that fact admirably. www.bakersvillagegardencenter.
To the hot(dog) head:
This stylish hot dog hat by Rasta Imposta. Maybe it will remind the recipient of those legendary fruit hats worn by Carmen Miranda, but to everyone else, it will just be a reminder that the wearer has no fashion sense. http://www.amazon.com/Rasta-
Nov. 26:
To the rocker:
Tickets to We Will Rock You, showing Jan. 7-12 at the Palace Theatre. This traveling musical, presenting by Broadway Across America, tells a futuristic tale set to the music of Queen. http://columbus.broadway.com
To the one who's off their rocker:
A recording of “He Will Mock You” by grating Internet pop culture creation Annoying Orange, maybe? Or maybe the awful Nickelback cover of Queen’s hit “We Will Rock You?” One would be equally as obnoxious as the other. http://www.youtube.com/watch?
Nov. 25:
To the king of cocktails:
A bottle of Buckeye Vodka, the flagship product of Dayton-based Crystal Spirits. Once that person on your list has a bottle of Buckeye in hand, encourage a visit to the company’s website to browse its long and constantly-updated list of recipes. www.buckeyevodka.com
To the one who spilled his cup and soaked your playing cards at the last party:
Crystal Palace Vodka, the foul, plastic-handled menace of digestive systems everywhere. Accompanying brown paper sack optional.
Nov. 24:
To the gentle caregiver:
The May the Rain Santa from Ha’Penny Bridge Imports in Dublin. The shop is full of Irish and Celtic merchandise straight from the Emerald Isle, and this traditional Irish Santa is just one of the items likely to put a smile on the face of a friend or relative with roots in the Land of Saints and Scholars. www.hapennybridgeimports.com
To your "favorite" in-laws
:
A DVD copy of Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. Like earlier entry The Room, this 1964 sci-fi flick is considered one of the worst movies of all time. But if torment if your goal, make sure you don’t pick up the Mystery Science Theater 3000 version, which is actually very entertaining.
Nov. 23:
To the Italian cuisine queen:
Gift cards to Bel Lago in Westerville. The waterfront restaurant is famous for its lobster mac and cheese, and there’s much more to the Italian-centric menu than that, from a grilled salmon BLT to shrimp and sausage risotto. www.bellagorestaurant.com
To the one who always asks you where you want to go to eat, but then shoots down any idea that you bring to the table:
Lobster Ice Cream from Massachusetts-based Ben & Bill’s Chocolate Emporium. And this isn’t just lobster-flavored ice cream – it’s butter-flavored ice cream with chopped-up lobster folded into it. Lobster works well in macaroni and cheese, but in ice cream? Jury’s out. www.benandbills.com
Nov. 22:
To the fit friend:
A membership to the Premier at Sawmill. Not only is the club consistently one of central Ohio’s best-rated, it offers additional perks for members who sign up other members: a $50 gift card for each. www.premieratsawmill.com
To the playground pullup master:
A membership to a see-saw. Sure, see-saws are fun, but unless you’re a small child, they get boring very quickly, and they probably aren’t the most effective form of exercise.
Nov. 21:
To the pen pal:
A 2014 calendar from Pinney Kelly Paper in Upper Arlington. The stationery store sells monthly calendars and desk calendars, as well as refills for the latter, and any is sure to be a welcome gift for a punctual friend. www.pkpaper.com
To the outhouse extraordinaire:
The “Outhouses 2014” calendar. Yes, it’s a thing, and it describes itself as “daily full-color photographs of uniquely built and artfully situated outhouses from throughout the world.” Who can resist?
Nov. 20:
To the winter warrior:
Snow Bucks from Snow Trails in Mansfield. Not only is the ski resort offering a couple of special holiday deals right now, it also sells gift cards that can be redeemed for anything offered there – rentals, lift tickets, food, apparel, even snow tubing tickets. www.snowtrails.com
To the winter wimp:
A pack of Sno Balls, formerly made by Hostess. Be honest – you know Sno Balls were the worst possible option when it came to Hostess’ various dessert offerings. They are not to be confused with shaved-ice snowballs, which are better known as snow cones and are awesome.
Nov. 19:
To the craftconnoisseur:
A growler of something tasty from the Ohio Taproom in Grandview Heights. The shop’s draft beers range from major operations such as Great Lakes Brewing Company to smaller outfits such as Actual Brewing Co., but everything sold there is Ohio-brewed. www.theohiotaproom.com
To the cheapskate:
A six-pack of Josef Hoffbauer Ice. Not too long ago, this was the cheapest beer you could buy and the most vile beer you could drink. It was discontinued years ago, but to the savvy buyer, that just means the unlucky recipient is getting this awful stuff years after its sell-by date – an added bonus.
Nov. 18:
To the art lover:
Something stylish from The Art of Jewelry, the current exhibition at the McConnell Arts Center in Worthington. A total of 19 artists have their works on display and available for sale in the exhibition, and a special artist reception and trunk show is slated for 6-8 p.m. Dec. 5. www.mcconnellarts.org
To add to the attire of terrible ties:
Something decidedly non-stylish bearing the image of Mitch McConnell. No matter your opinion of the U.S. Senate Minority Leader, I think people of all political persuasions can agree his visage does not make for a very fashionable tie.
Nov. 17:
To your favorite caroler:
Tickets to A Christmas Carol, presented by CAPA, Nov. 29-Dec. 2 at the Ohio Theatre. The Nebraska Theatre Caravan comes to Columbus every year to present the classic play about miserable old miser Ebenezer Scrooge and his encounters with three ghosts who help teach him the true meaning of Christmas. www.capa.com
To the tone-deaf tenor:
A recording of “The Christmas Shoes” by NewSong, quite possibly the worst Christmas song of all time. Just put it on repeat, crank up the volume and run.
Nov. 16:
To the one with good taste:
A gift card to the Pint Room in Dublin. With more than 100 beers on tap and a selection of burgers that ranges from the standard to the absurd – peanut butter and jelly burger, anyone? – there’s plenty for a recipient on your gift list to appreciate. www.pintroomdublin.com
To the fan of tasteless humor:
The Room on DVD. This 2003 film, a vanity project by wealthy and talentless writer/director/actor Tommy Wiseau, is legendary for its plot holes and poor acting, and is considered one of the worst movies ever made. www.theroommovie.com
Nov. 15:
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To the one who brings you comfort:
A Dash & Albert rug from Carlisle Gifts in Plain City. The top-notch rugs are among the many interesting items sold at Carlisle, the gift shop attached to Der Dutchman. www.dhgroup.com
To the one who brings you suffering:
www.canyon-news.com
A rug designed to look like a cross-section of a bratwurst. Yes, this is a real thing – it’s made by a German company that also makes rugs in mortadella, salami and pimento loaf patterns. Makes you hungry just looking at it, doesn’t it? www.wurstteppich.de
Nov. 14:
To the one who values your friendship:
One of a huge number of pieces of wearable art from Winterfair Columbus, Dec. 6-8 at the Ohio Expo Center. The annual market organized by Ohio Designer Craftsmen offers up a wide variety of other items perfect for gifts, too, from photos and watercolor to furniture and glasswork. www.winterfair.org
To the one who sold you out:
www.canyon-news.com
Clothing with a picture of Art Modell. Even if your friend or family member isn’t a Browns fan, that name still has a tendency to dredge up painful memories for Ohioans.
Nov. 13:
To your best bet:
A gift card for Scioto Downs Racino in south Columbus. Gambling and alcohol are out, but there are lots of other opportunities for someone on your list to have fun at Scioto Downs – the gift shop, café, ice cream shop and restaurants are all options. www.sciotodowns.com
To your broke bud:
Mister Ed Unplugged. The equine star of the small screen can’t run like the ponies at Scioto Downs, but he can sing. Still, though, at only about 10 minutes in length, this three-track CD is a one-trick pony that’s going to get real repetitive, real fast. www.orchestrionrecords.com
Nov. 12:
To your swing dancing sweetheart:
Lessons from Dance Plus Ballroom in Grandview Heights. The studio offers group, private and wedding dance lessons, among other things, and even offers a basic gift package for beginners that includes two 40-minute private lessons and two Friday night dance parties. www.dance-plus.com
To the one with two left feet:
Prancercise: The Art of Physical and Spiritual Wellness by Joanna Rohrback. Yes, the creator of those hilarious (they were supposed to be funny, right?) instructional YouTube videos has also written a book laying out her views on health. It’s entirely possible that both Prancercise and the book have some value as tools for fitness, but there have to be less embarrassing ways to go about it. www.prancercise.com
Nov. 11:
To the one you can count on:
A gift card for Hollywood Casino. The cards can be used in the casino’s Studio Store, Final Cut Steak & Seafood, Take 2 Grill, Epic Buffet or o.h. Lounge, though not for gambling or alcohol. www.hollywoodcolumbus.com
To the lost cause:
A DVD copy of Two for the Money. There are a lot of top-notch movies that focus on gambling; this lackluster 2005 film about sports gambling, starring Al Pacino and Matthew McConaughey, is not one of them.
Nov. 10:
To the one who buys you flowers:
A floral arrangement from Giant Eagle Market District, with locations in Upper Arlington and Dublin. The stores are happy to put together custom flower arrangements – pick a price and some colors (maybe red and green?) and let the floral department do the rest. www.marketdistrict.com
To the one who jeers and glowers:
A carrion flower, also known by such charming names as “corpse flower” and “stinking flower.” How did it get these lovely monikers, you ask? Why, because its scent is reminiscent of rotting flesh, of course. Might as well not bother wrapping it.
Nov. 9:
To the recipient of your puppy love:
A gift card to Designer Paws Salon in Westerville. A friend’s furry friend can find much to appreciate on the salon’s menu of dog and cat grooming services, including creative grooming techniques such as ear and tail color, gem and glitter tattoos, and team logos.www.designerpawssalon.com
To the one who kicks you out to the doghouse:
Some unsolicited creative pet grooming from you personally. If you’ve had the proper training, you might get away with it, but the most likely scenario ends with a lot of aghast looks – though if the friend’s pet you’re grooming is a cat, you might get the worst of it.
Nov. 8:
To the light of your life:
Blown glass Christmas tree ornaments from the Works in Newark. Not only does the art, history and technology center’s gift shop have an emphasis on blown glass, it even offers the opportunity to make a custom glass ornament for a loved one at workshops Nov. 16, Nov. 23, Nov. 29, Nov. 30, Dec. 14 and Dec. 21. www.attheworks.org
To the one who leaves you in the dark:
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A pointy pile of smashed tree ornaments. That’ll teach those burglars to break into your house while the family’s away for the holidays.
Nov. 7:
To your sweetie:
Santa Pants from the Oilerie in Grandview Heights. What makes a gift set of a bottle of garlic olive oil, a bottle of 25-year balsamic vinegar and a jar of spices even better? Delivering it in a pair of miniature pants that look for all the world like the Jolly Old Elf’s, complete with suspenders for easy carrying. www.oilerie.com
To the one who reminds you of dental cavities:
Hammer Pants. Remember when these were cool? No, you don’t, because they never were. That’s just what M.C. Hammer wanted you to think, and what did he ever do to earn your trust, huh? http://www.youtube.com/watch?
Nov. 6:
To the one who is good to you:
A Christmas Yule Log from Mrs. Goodman’s Baking Co. in Worthington. Among baked goods in central Ohio, this massive chocolate rolled cake topped with chocolate buttercream and filled with buttercream icing is positively iconic. www.mrsgoodmans.com
To the one who is good at picking on you:
A log – useful if you’ve building a fire (or a cabin), but not especially exciting. That jingle from Ren & Stimpy really oversold the appeal of a log.
Nov. 5:
To the one you want to comfort:
Pandora jewelry, available from the Pandora stores at Polaris, Easton and Tuttle malls. This silver pendant with 14K and green synthetic spinel is just the tip of the iceberg. www.pandora.net
To the one you want to confuse:
Dora the Explorer jewelry. Sure, it’ll be plenty popular if you give it to a kid; you just don’t want to get the two mixed up, or there are going to be some really confused people on Christmas morning.
Nov. 4:
For the winner of family game night:
Alex and Ani jewelry from Accent on Image at Polaris or Occasionally Yours at Easton. This hugely popular line of bracelets, necklaces, earrings and rings is known for its eco-friendly design. www.accentonimagepolaris.com/, www.oygifts.com
For the cheater at family game night:
The “Cheat to Win” bracelet, courtesy of The Onion. It’s just like those “LIVESTRONG” bracelets you see everywhere, except it references, er, certain other recent developments in the cycling world. http://store.theonion.com/p-
Nov. 3:
For the OSU fan you miss:
An OSU-themed, chocolate-covered Oreo from Emlolly Candy. You can get a pack of tasty treats stamped with either a block “O” or the face of Brutus Buckeye from Emlolly, which sells its products out of Celebrate Local, Weiland’s Gourmet Market, Huffman’s Market, the Morgan House and both Hills Market locations. www.emlollycandy.com
For the Michigan fan you wouldn't mind going missing:
University of Michigan candy cane Christmas tree ornaments. See how long these stay on the tree before they mysteriously disappear. “Those lovely ornaments you gave me last year? Well, gosh, the cat must have gotten them.” http://www.sportsfanfare.com/
Nov. 2:
For the one you care about:
Saige, American Girl’s 2013 Girl of the Year. Not only does the American Girl store at Easton Town Center offer Saige and a wide variety of clothes and accessories for her, it has scheduled a couple of special Saige events on Sunday, Nov. 3 – a hot air balloon craft workshop and a scavenger hunt, both at 1 p.m. www.americangirl.com
For the one you could care less about:
Remember your old hand-me-down doll that's buried somewhere in the basement? Dig it out, brush out a few of the knots in the hair and gift it to your mouthy niece. We're sure she'll value the good stuff when it comes to her later!
Nov. 1:
For the one you love:
A handmade, pottery snowman that doubles as a luminary from Outside Envy in Uptown Westerville. A few of these will definitely fill someone's yard with light and winter spirit. www.outside-envy.com
For the one you loathe:
A luminary made from a carton of spoiled milk. Ah, candle smoke and sour milk -- smells like the refrigerator in your college apartment.
